Effective immediately, I am disbanding Black Aces Bail Recovery. Additionally, I am also severing my ties with the Three Scott's. Why, you may ask? (You might ask. Someone might ask. OK, no one asked but I'm going to tell you anyway.) These two groups only want to chase people who have posted bail and then didn't show up for court.
After reading about other "Word Famous" bounty hunters who have decided to go after "International" fugitives, I am throwing my hat into the ring. ( I realize that I don't have a hat, but I have a couple of ball caps that will do nicely). Yes, effective immediately, I will be putting together a new team of dedicated agents to pursue these fiendish fugitives. I will be employing a little known technique that I like to refer to as "Psychic Bounty Hunting". Do not be fooled by those charlatans who also claim to have psychic powers that enable them to sense when a fugitive is in the area. This is much more powerful than that. I am perfecting a technique that will allow me to influence these international devils to make mistakes, thereby permitting me to utilize police officers, federal agents, and military troops to swoop down on them and take them into custody or kill them, whichever the case may be. If any of you doubt this technique, I have previously demonstrated it on one other occasion, when another "World Famous" bounty hunter claimed to be searching for a soccer coach from Oregon who had abducted a fifteen year old. After fruitless months of searching on his part, I decided to get involved. After only a brief psychic connection with my mentor and new team co-leader, Master Yoda, I was able to cause the soccer coach to come to Knoxville, swerve his car off the road into a tree and immediately confess his true identity to the first police officer who arrived. I was so stunned at my quick success that I didn't even think to claim credit for it until the next day when it appeared in the newspaper. Anyway, I digress.
I have formed a new team to go after this Australian guy, Osama Bin Laden, Jack the Ripper and the most elusive of all prey, that damned Energizer Bunny. I know the Bunny is not a criminal but those commercials are so annoying. I also realize that Jack may be dead, but with my new found powers, I am able to go beyond the corporeal plane and drag their miserable souls back from the pits of hell, if that 's where they choose to hide.
To accomplish all of this, I have recruited some new teammates. Along with Master Yoda, I will also be joined by Lamont Cranston, Alan Quartermain, Bobba Fett, and that Josh Randle fella. I realize his methods are crude and a little outdated, but he has promised to let me shoot that really neat sawed off Winchester he has.
Some of you may want to join my team. I will warn you ahead of time that because of the nature of our business, some of our habits may seem a little unusual. For instance, we only hold meetings on the psychic plane in a virtual chatroom where we sit naked on purple bean bag chairs and eat only Cheetos( not those little hard fried ones that will break your teeth, but those delicious, cheesy puffs of air that melt in your mouth) and wash it down with Grape NEHI.
The cost of these meetings will be $1,000,000.00. These fees must be prepaid as you will not have any pockets to carry cash in at the meetings. Upon proper receipt of your paid membership fees you will also be presented with your "World Famous Bounty Hunter" membership certificate as well as your secret decoder ring that will allow you to access the protected parts of our Cheeto- eating, naked, virtual chat room. Hurry, and be the first in your area to join my team of "World Famous Bounty Hunters" as membership is limited and seats are filling up fast. I already have four or five commitments depending on whether that Invisible Man shows up or not. You can never tell with him.
.
